Red Dawn


This is… Wow. Puts the Cold War in perspective, in this particular case, the Walter Sobchak’s perspective.

The setting is Bumfuck, USA. Run-of-the-mill flyover country, with a Teddy Roosevelt statue Davy Crockett-style.

In the midst of an history class about Genghis Khan, paratroopers start touching down and when the teachers investigates, he is gunned down with a full auto clip from a Kalashnikov at point blank.

Since Columbine and Parkland are in the future, they know the US is being invaded by the USSR and its puppet states, so they literally run for the hills. The top military brass chooses Bumfuck as the critical linchpin of the US invasion, and dumps APC and troops up the wazoo, instead of New Orleans, DC, or New York.

They stock up on guns, Coke, and Campbell’s on the store, but then need to hunt and fish. One of the kids turns into a real man when he kills a deer and drinks his fucking warm blood. This fucking scene is played straight with absolutely no irony, with Charlie Sheen encouraging him. They know that will make them grow hairs on his chest, it’s just that normal human tendencies of feasting upon the still warm blood of a prey is just too PC for fairies who know nothing about the Great Outdoors.

After a month, they decide to go into town. The ‘burbs look like Stalingrad, just tank graveyards and rubble. The town itself is even worse: Lenin posters everywhere (not even the dominant Stalin faction), a movie theatre playing Alexander Nevsky FOR FREE, books being burned in the street, tovarish Ivan patrolling the streets.

They discover the KGB setup a gulag on the drive-in, and the invaders are Russians (USSR? They all look the same to me…) and the Cubans, that mighty world power.

Suddenly, Harry Dean Stanton is one of their fathers, just knowing in his gut that treating his kids like shit for ever and making them hate him was good for them, he knew ‘em Russkies invading was only a matter of time. “Don’t you dare crying over me, boys, not as long as you live”, said the sociopath maniac.

They get to some ranchers who have miraculously escaped harassment. They got intel, they know they are 40 miles behind enemy lines, in occupied territory. There’s a Free America, a shining city upon the hill. After giving them the political rundown, he also gives him the bare necessities of any red-blooded American: horses, hard liquor, plenty of ammo, and virgin pussy (McFly’s mom, and the juden Dirty Dancing girl).

A couple of Russkies go sightseeing into the mountains and get brutally assassinated by the kids. “How does is feel?”, asks one of the kids about murdering another human in cold blood; “Great!”, says him. After Charlie Sheen send the broads to the kitchen, McFly’s mom throws a fit and demands equality. Must be that time of the month.

The Cuban leader is incensed. He pulls the records and finds out missing kids, members of the elite paramilitary group Boy Scouts (and not just a bunch of pederasts). The mayor is such a limp-dicked slimeball politician, he sells out his kid’s buddies to curry favour with the enemy. Fucking politicians, traitor cockroaches, corrupting our bodily fluids with their commie sympathies. You can see Milius smouldering with generic rage.

The poor Soviet guys (they don’t even speak English, probably some Ukranian farmboys) have a full state funeral, complete with soviet flag over the coffins and blaring anthem playing. When a group of ‘muricans start yelling The Star Spangled Banner, they are gunned down with machine guns with extreme prejudice.

And so it begins, their guerrilla warfare over their country. Using all the Taliban tactics our friends in Afghanistan are using against ‘em Ruskies. Afghanistan is mentioned directly by the Cuban general, they are usually on the insurgency side. They are helped by a downed fighter pilot that joins their cause, mostly to get that WAP in McFly’s mom (they have about 40 years of age difference).

After the insurgency starts to get noticed, the Soviets send a special forces division to wipe them out. The chief just want to annihilate them ALL. One of the Wolverines has cold feet and gets back to town, only to be fitted with a transmitter to sell them out. The son of the politician, disgusting. That guy is summarily executed by the rebels.

With morale so low and everyone getting murdered one by one, they go for broke and do one last attack on the Russkies so that McFly’s mom can escape with the deer blood guy. At least some American genes can be saved.

In the epilogue, their base rock carved with their names serves the same purpose as the Teddy Roosevelt statue, a reminded that when the time comes, true Americans will fight against the oppression of COMMUNISM introduced by force.

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This is my place for ramblings about sequences of images that exploit the human visual limitation know as persistence of vision.

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