Troy
Only a German would bother about a big budget Illiad adaptation. He’s no Schliemann, this is a proper adaptation with nice touches, even though it’s a 3000 years old story.
The plot is older than dirt: Helen of Sparta is so beautiful, she is the measure of all beauty. Paris, the young Trojan sent to sign a treaty with them has the hots for her, so they elope. His big brother Hector, the stoic and responsible leader, is incensed and nearly loses his cool, but he knows Agamemnon is a tyrant dickwad, he won’t be swayed from an excuse to take out a rival city.
As they arrive on Troy and are received with pomp and circumstance, the Greeks are hurtling towards their land, ready to start a war of aggression with 50 thousands soldiers in a thousand boats. Achilles, the Greek Seal Team 6 leader and Agamemnon troll leads the way and conquers the Apollo temple in Omaha beach all by himself, enraging Agamemnon, which hates him for not fearing him. Hector fails to defend the temple but is let go, Achilles likes his glory too much, they need buildup before winning the war.
In the first parlay, the parts agree that Menelaus the Spartan King, and Paris should duke it out in single combat, and the winner takes Helen, avoiding war. Agamemnon agrees if he can attack anyway, and they fight. Paris is just a child, Menelaus a veteran fighter, but Paris crawls back to his brother and Hector murders Menelaus to protect his brother. The Greeks attack, but without Achilles’ organisation, they perish and need to retreat.
Hector holds the counter attack, they have the massive walls as protection, and there is dissent among the Greeks, since Achilles sat that one out. His father is a superstitious idiot who only listens to priests, so they attack the next day, without strategic advantage. In the mêlée, Patrocles, Achilles’ cousin and twink (any pederast relationship is not even implied) is killed, after seeking glory by dressing in full Achiles armour and leading Seal Team 6. Hector retreats after this, he can see the future.
Achiles is enraged. Even his sex slave/object of desire, some noble Apollo nun they captured, cannot move him. His bloodlust drives him to ride to the walls and request a public audience with Hector. He acquiesces, they duke it out and Hector’s family sees him dying and Achilles dragging his corpse around into his camp. The Greeks have a big morale boost, but Achilles crossed the Rubicon into evil land, an affront to gods and mankind.
Priamus, the Trojan leader, bereft of his heir and favourite son, visits Achilles incognito, humiliates himself before him, and asks for Hector’s body. Achilles has an epiphany and accepts his request, releases the nun, and gives him a 12 days truce for the funeral. He recovers some humanity almost right away.
This gives time for the Greek intelligence agency (Ulysses, the future Odysseus) to come up with the greatest military ruse in history: the Trojan Horse. It’s not an equine condom, it was an actual wooden horse with a contingent of Greeks ready to open the gates. Once again, Priamus trusts the priests and does not burn the dammed thing right there in the beach, he brings it inside as an offer to Poseidon.
The rest is history: Troy falls over superstitious bullshit, after the pragmatic young leader falls in am honour killing. Hector is the real hero, but he is too much of a good person, he lacks ruthlessness.
There is still time for the remaining characters to die or survive: Agamemnon kills Priamus and milks a giant cow, screaming “Burn, Troy, BURNNNN!”. Paris evacuates the important women and children, gives the Trojan Sword to a random kid called Aeneas (the future founder of Rome). The nun is nearly raped by Agamemnon but she shanks him in the neck and gets reunited with Achilles. What seemed like an happy ending isn’t, when he is hit in the heel by Paris.
Alas, Achilles fulfils his mother’s prophecy of eternal glory, and it only cost him everything: his twink, his sex object, his honour, his life. Ambition is truly evil. Odysseus burns him in the funeral pyre and then returns home, but only after 10 years of hijinks with sirens, Polyphemus, and witches. That’a for the Odyssey sequel that never came.
You can see this is a very old story since the main characters are the aristos and they do everything, armies fall when they are not there, and win when they bark orders. Thousands die in pointless struggle over who gets to fuck a particularly nice piece of ass. In the end Troy is burned to the ground, but Paris and Helen are free to have all the sex they want abroad.
This is a big budget modern epic, and with talent behind the camera, resulting in a visual spectacle with actual emotions. Contrast this with Marvel bullcrap (all money), and arthouse small scale films (all talent). The cast itself is vast, talented, and well chosen:
- The butt naked hero with the toned body must be Brad Pitt, like he was sculptured by Michaelangelo himself.
- The cunning and intelligent Ulysses is Sean Bean.
- The actual hero Hector is Eric Bana with one of those beards of adulthood.
- Priamus the old fool is Peter O’Toole (extremely old and frail).
- Agamemnon is Brian Cox chewing the scenery like a motherfucker.
- The young nubile lovers are Diane Kruger and Orland Bloom in their 20s.
- The other youngling nun is Rose Byrne, probably happier to fondle Brad Pitt’s abs than to listen to George Lucas drone about his bullshit.
This is my place for ramblings about sequences of images that exploit the human visual limitation know as persistence of vision.