One Million Years B.C.

Transformers with extra scantily-clad women.

In case the expression “effects-driven extravaganza” seems too modern, here’s an example of that decades ago. Just a bit less than a million years. It’s all about Harryhausen showing off.

There’s people being attacked by giant iguanas, giant turtles, mini T-Rex and regular sized Triceratops. If you read that and though “silly producers, only Conservapedia is fooled to think that humans and dinos mingled on earth”, that’s not even the most baffling inaccuracy. That should be either the volcanoes exploding with mushroom clouds or the fact that both tribes are just Caucasians with pelts.

The “plot”, if you can say that, concerns two tribes. Let’s call them the Blondes and the Crisps.

The Blondes are techno wizards, and therefore Aryans. They dominate rudimentary implementations of needle and thread, bury their dead and don’t kill each other ever disgusting pieces of wild bacon. The Crisps are just dirty tanned animals that rape their females and abandon their crippled in the woods, but they don’t flee from battle that easily. You could say together, they would rule the world, but no, the volcanoes erupt, almost everyone dies and the survivors limp into the sunset. You shouldn’t also imply any racist sensibilities, because everyone looks Caucasian with props applied.

Raquel Welch gets top billing even though she doesn’t appear until the first 30 minutes. The real star of the show is her barely bursting bust, which keeps getting wet in the most bizarre and contrived situations. There’s also secondary pairs of boobs on other people. That’s how the stereotype goes, but over 50 years later, you can watch more skin during a daily newscast during the summer.

Just when you try to seek reasons for thinking Raquel Welch wasn’t just treated as a pair of tits with a body attached to it, there’s this:

Raquel Welch’s grunting was voice-dubbed by Nikki Van der Zyl.

She couldn’t even record her own grunts! Maybe it looked too much like moans?


This is my place for ramblings about sequences of images that exploit the human visual limitation know as persistence of vision.

Ephemera of Vision