Shaolin Soccer meets Bourne, featuring Mediterranean refugees. Never thought that last sentence could ever make sense.

This a roman-à-clef, so you must know a bit about Cristiano Ronaldo. He’s like Babe Ruth or Wayne Gretsky, except really famous worldwide.

This starts off in the middle of the World Cup (an actual competition for all teams in the world, strangely). Ronaldo a genius, everyone loves him and all is great. His father is there for him, his twin sisters are bitching and belittling him, but he forgives her.

He is on his yacht, chillin’, when out of the blue, a bunch of refugees are rescued by them. This leads him to an epiphany, where he misses the penalty kick at the last minute after stopping to daydream about fluffy puppies.

His career is almost over, but in a daytime TV show, he vows to adopt a refugee of their own. His sisters, smelling blood, sell his rights for the fascist government to start cloning him and create the best football team in the world, to distract the people from the fact Portugal is building a wall at the border and leaving the EU.

At the same time, the secret services are investigating him for tax dodging (based on a true story!), so a female agent goes undercover as male refugee for him to adopt. He can’t tell the difference.

This reveals his epiphany to be true, his sister’s machinations to steal his money, he just want to be with his son. He is just too dumb to be evil.

Eventually duckface selfies are taken, long before the undercover spy uncovers the government plot. She reveals herself to him and they live happily ever after, strolling naked in the beach.

This is a great comedy, in every way. From the fact he talks with a thick subtitled accent (from another set of islands), to his ignorance of basic vocabulary and grammar, to his complete absence of any idea about non-football related themes.


This is my place for ramblings about sequences of images that exploit the human visual limitation know as persistence of vision.

Ephemera of Vision