More like Amphibiousman. He fights just as good on land. More hippopotamus, less sea lion.

This is yet another monarchy tale of “pure blood”, people having sex with their relatives, shotgun weddings, and military might compensating for small penises. No wonder they are the mightiest armies on Earth, the shrinkage of their dongs in that cold water must be massive.

There’s a surprisingly Tolkienesque development of the Atlantean society, even more unequal than usual: while the WASP people live like the Jetsons, some races are creatures from the black lagoon, and others are crabs. All ride sharks, engorged seahorses, fish-like flooded submarines, or the power of their own farts propelling them like torpedos. There are even a race of dalits living in the Trench, anarchists without a leader.

The WASP atlanteans have their city-state on the sea floor, protected by anti-sub railguns, shark border patrol people, there’s got to be some kind of Ministry of Magic-type understanding with us surface-dwellers, otherwise how does this work? We don’t know much about the ocean, maybe it’s hidden behind a passing whale?

But wait, there are even deeper caves, near the centre of the Earth. Speaking of corpora cavernosa, how do the atlanteans have children, how can they conceive? If their vaginas anatomically similar, what about suction effects? Are all their births in water? Do they go to land or air pockets to mate, like salmon? So many questions.

I know it’s a popcorn flick, directed by the Saw/The Conjuring guy, but it almost fails at that. I was expecting some horror scenes, but nothing, pure design by committee.

The licensed music is truly atrocious, jarring, and immersion breaking. Since the characters are underdeveloped, the fight scenes are weaksauce, I don’t give a shit about any one of these people.

The leads are fine. Momoa is a playful Bautista, or a budget Arnie. Amber Heard is like a fish in water with this kind of cutie/grrl dual role, like Drive Angry. The secondary characters don’t have much to do, even the main villain.


This is my place for ramblings about sequences of images that exploit the human visual limitation know as persistence of vision.

Ephemera of Vision