Fast X
Here we go, this is gonna be a rambling stream-of-conscience review.
This a Fast Five sequel, with the safe dragging scene, extras talking “Portuguese”. Then they have a retcon to put Momoa as Joaquim de Almeida’s kid.
Momoa has a VW Touareg with a minigun, for some reason. Fucking FAMILY on the script, oof.
Some girl says “I am a-starving”, is she supposed to be chicana, or Venezuela? No lo se, ese. What, the girl from Megalopolis is also in this, with her British accent?
Why do they drink Corona? Better yet, it’s pure product placement, they never actually drink the “beer”, they just hold the product. At least in this film, there’s always a cut before the liquid touches their lips, r they drink it filmed from the back.
Ha, as if a sixty-years-old Vin Diesel couuld catch Michelle Rodriguez jumping on his lap. His bones must be extremely brittle, he is literally my mother’s age.
Charlize Theron is evil? But she is good now? Ah, she was bad, but Momoa is worse, and now she’s good? Always nice to see her anyway.
Momoa has an open jacket and no undershirt, damn, those muscles.
Now Clint Eastwood’s kid, the CIA man, comes up with an extremely ugly Murciélago. And a dirt bike.
They ripoff the 18 Wheeler scene from The Dark Knight.
LOL, Momoa is the king of this kind of overacting. Va fan culo, then he does that Italian thing, like pushing his chin outside, then pretends to be Pavarotti.
Diesel saves some dogs on the Spanish Steps, while playing Rocket League. Saving the Vatican, as the practising catholic he is, always with those massive cross pendants. But in the next second, he is on the Colosseum, it’s like 10 km away!
Wait, The Agency is not the CIA? It’s another organisation? They have an Antonov too, no AC-130 here.
Brie Larson comes up now. “It’s like a cult with cars”, oh oh oh.
John Cena is Vin Diesel’s brother? Come the fuck on, how does that work! His climax is suplexing some bad guy into a hole.
Now Vin Diesel is back in Rio, but you only hear Cardi B and reggaeton.
Daniela Melchior in the house, that’s the only reason for me to see this. Her Brazilian accent is pretty weak, but those Hoollywood types must think she is amazing. Esculachava ele na hora, jeeez!
Ludmilla (AKA MC Beyoncé), twerking to start the race. She drops a bar of her song, then it’s back to reggaeton. Some shitty remix of Gasolina, Daddy Yankee represent.
“Decrypt the blockchain”, suck it, CSI!
Ah, I understand, Daniela Melchior (playing a Brazilian) is the sister of Elsa Pataky (the Kim Catrall-like, playing a Spanish woman? All the latinos look the same to me.
Now Statham enters with dubstep, OH GOD THE WUBS.
They only go to Portugal at the 105 minute mark, Jesus Freaking Christ! And it’s a Mad Max 2 ripoff. They got into the famous tunnel, but they use the bad guy TIE Fighter from Star Wars when the bad guy dopplers by.
“Shut the front door”, what childish crock of shit. But then Momoa has a FGM-148 Javelin!
Then it ends with a cliffhanger, and has some post-credit scene with The Rock. Fuck that shit!
Sleeping through the credits, there’s a credit to Marky Mark! It that real, he’s a rapper, WTF! You mean The Departed guy?
This is my place for ramblings about sequences of images that exploit the human visual limitation know as persistence of vision.