Fast Five

The film where the least ridiculous scene is when a Mustang flips a bus.

Unless that Mustang was smuggling neutron star material, that sets the tone for the next 2 hours. Only gets more ridiculous from that point forward.

Dragging the safe around the city is so ridiculous, it only makes the “don’t try this at home” disclaimer at the end more hilarious.

The script is truly awful, even though they only wrote half of it. They repeat most lines at least twice, plus most of it is not dialogue: “The Rock flies through a window”, “Vin Diesel flies through a wall”, “Mook #1337 dies after being stared at by the main cast”. The attempts at drama are just silly, and should have been axed to include more stupid car stunts.

Another black mark is the music, random Brazilian hits strewn around in the soundtrack without rhyme nor reason.

They are (allegedly) in Brazil but nobody speaks Portuguese, it’s just barely intelligible grunts. The villain is actually Portuguese, and he can do the accent, but he talks in English for most of the film even when it does not make sense, such as with other Brazilian cops in closed rooms. They don’t even have Brazilian names! There’s also an embarrassing number of mistakes and typos, à là Google Translate.

The “local policewoman” (she doesn’t speak Portuguese either) is a Kim Catrall dead ringer. Turns out Elsa Pataky has been in loads of stuff, but surprisingly, not a Big Trouble in Little China remake. The Rock plays a cool Hannibal from A-Team.


This is my place for ramblings about sequences of images that exploit the human visual limitation know as persistence of vision.

Ephemera of Vision