Star Wars IX
Fucking Palpatine was the mastermind all along, get the fuck out of here! Motherfucker George Lucas and the fucking prequels, fucking JJ, fuck that shit! “Do it! DO IT!”
The last film’s plot is absolutely undone, again. Rose stays back to study some shit, and Finn loves Rey now, yet another retcon, I guess focus groups said the Chinese audience doesn’t care about black people.
Rey was just some girl from a shithole country, but liberalism is old-school, she has blue blood after all. Luke catches the fucking lightsaber as Rey is dumping it in the fire, and goes on a rant about how he’s stupid. Seems directed to Gareth Edwards, more than the audience.
The muddled mess this creates, it’s unbelievable. The message is both “blue blood means royalty” and “ascendancy does not matter”. “Strength through unity” and “only I can save it”.
Again with the fucking AI slop of recently dead Carrie. There’s only a single shot where her face and other people are visible, but only from the back, I weep for such wasted work by some minimum wage slave in some bumfuck land to make Rey’s hair fall in front of fake AI Carrie Fisher. Cut that shit out!
Why the fuck do the characters played by dead actors remain “alive”, requiring AI slop, but the living actors are killed of? What the fuck is this, why the fuuck‽
Boyega has a weird hairstyle, was this at the time of The Woman King? He’s got the good sense of branching out his career into other paths. Too bad about Daisy Ridley.
The first set piece is the Holi Burning Man, where Indians are alien elephants. Since China was pandered to in the last films, now it’s the time for the second largest populated country. Since it’s an action film in the desert, they rip off Mad Max: Fury Road blatantly, with added sand-mobiles. They get trapped in shifting sands and Rey pulls a Lion of Androcles on an alien viper/cobra to get them out of there.
Why the actual fuck is the fascist goon spying for the rebels, when he was personally nuking their planets the last time? He gets killed in the next scene, and replaced by Richard E. Grant, who was there in the background all along. Can’t believe they haven’t used AI yet to make it so on the streaming versions. Long live piracy, the only way to avoid being gaslit by major corporations.
They also visit Endor and leave the explanation for the planet still existing for some TV show. And suddenly there’s a lot of ghosts everywhere, Rey kills and resurrects Ken (Kylo Ren), because why not, and takes off, leaving his apparent lover Finn stranded with the girl from Mickey 17.
Worse, Finn dumps Rose for the alien horse lady? But there’s no time for drama, we need a Dunkirk with guns. “That’s no navy, it’a just people” is one of the dumbest lines ever.
Then of course every Star Destroyer has a mini-Death Star, the bad guys have limitless resources. And Palpatine can send a targeted EMP that destroys only allied weapons.
But all is good because the Magicllenium Falcon saves the day, outrunning an X-wing. What’s the point of a fighter jet, if some freighter can outrun it, what is air superiority.
On the big happy finale, the alien horse lady is implied to be the daughter of Lando, you have to keep it in the family, fucking mobsters. And there’s that blink-and-you-miss-it lesbian kiss so Disney can say they are “progressive”, but also cut it in certain version to appease nutters. They can cover all bases.
Rey sacrifices herself to kill Palpatine (like the other two times), but then Ken is about to save her too, but she was just sleeping. So, no sacrifices all around? They are an item, apparently, but aren’t they blood related? Does this include more incest crap?
At least Chewie gets a medal.
This is my place for ramblings about sequences of images that exploit the human visual limitation know as persistence of vision.