Legend
If The Lord of the Rings, The Thief of Baghdad, The Ten Commandments, and The NeverEnding Story were mushed together, this would be the result. Ridley Scott continues to be obsessed with unicorns.
Ferris Bueller’s sister is a generic princess, introduced playing a prank on an innocent worker. Said worker professes her love for royalty, recommends she avoids slumming it, and focus of finding a dashing prince to marry (some direct cousin, probably). She prefers to stroll the woods in a long flowing dress, poor palace laundry people.
Her companion in woods strolls is some bumpkin kid, and both are infatuated with each other. She wants to trap rabbits, but he’s got a better sight: a couple of unicorns. These are sacred steeds that should not be touched, but she’s a royal kid, what do you mean, she can’t do whatever she wants? She just touches the damn equine, her father is probably the church leader.
Alas, but she lives in a world of medieval fantasy that includes Christian God and a literal Devil. Said devil is working for some father devil (Beelzebub himself? Woden?). The Devil wants the unicorn horn as a McGuffin that allows him to stop the sun from raising in the morning (Killing Apollo? The Egyptian chariot dude?).
Some goblins are entrusted to go on a wild game hunt and they capture the horn from the male unicorn, but the mare is under the protection of Tom Brown, the Hobbit-like creature, proficient in skillet weaponry. The mare remains horny.
The loss of half of unicorn horns leads to global winter, the hero bumpkin boy will need to arm himself with looted scale armour and a Zweihänder.
The princess also tries to protect the mare, but gets captured and turned by the evil incarnate into a vamp Maleficent. This is accomplished by seeing jewellery and waltzing with a shadowy figure.
Finally there’s a big showdown, where the princess haven’t been fully turned evil, the hero is heroic, and the fairy that wanted to bang the hero is not evil after pulling the same stunt as Persephone on The Matrix Reloaded.
Spring returns to the world, the newly wed couple gets back to civilisation, but since they are not Lot and his wife, they can peek behind for a final goodbye to fair folk (The Seventh Seal for kids!).
Tom Brown is Tom Bombadil, right? Is this a stealth adaptation of The Hobbit?
This is my place for ramblings about sequences of images that exploit the human visual limitation know as persistence of vision.