Speed 2: Cruise Control
Holy shit, this is even worse than the first one, which was already crap.
Keanu stayed away, and got replaced by the Nip/Tuck guy, or Dr. Doom from the old Fantastic Four films. Sandra Bullock is still playing a zany manic dream pixie girl.
The opening feels like The Matrix Reloaded freeway scene, but with cardboard boxes instead of cars.
The first time they set foot on that floating prison called “cruise ship”, they meet a guy called Dante that says they are in paradise. How red do you want your herrings?
The also meet the bad guy, Geiger. He’s bad because the cop’s spidey sense is tingling, and because William Dafoe is too cool to be caught dead in a geriatric old folks home like a cruise ship without ulterior motives, like execute every motherfuckin’ last one of ya!
One of the many resident bands is Carlinhos Brown, my god, we’re gonna need a bigger boat. It’s like they are flying on Ryanair, in the middle of the fucking entertainment they paid for, the De Beers company puts some human billboards driving around hawking trays of diamonds for the gullible to buy.
In the first dinner, the meet inane characters, but our guy is “flirting” with a 15 years old girl! Turns out she’s deaf, and he knows how to sign. That will surely come up in the future.
Just as he is about to ask to marry her in front of everybody like a scumbag, he gets all flustered and starts puking all over (off screen, this is not Scary Movie). They retire for the night, where our protagonist’s idea of fun is watching Lolita (not even the Kubrick version).
The bad guy does shit, and it turns into stupid low rent Poseidon for a while, but the crew are dumbass bufoons, whining and barking orders to themselves. The protagonists have to do everything!
Several convoluted endings later, he does ask her to marry in the most blasé way possible, and she doesn’t care either.
This is my place for ramblings about sequences of images that exploit the human visual limitation know as persistence of vision.