Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
They go full circle, there’s a blatant Cutthroat Island meets Fast Five ripoff in the bank heist. The cold open includes two openings in fact, the new lore and the nostalgia factor. For fuck’s sake, there’s also some deepfake Johnny Depp as teenager.
The new main cast sort of an X-Files in reverse: Turner Jr as Believer, and some girl from Maze Runner as the Scientist. Fauxminist, it seems, the crux of the plot was that she was wrong about science apparently.
Jack Sparrow is less than a comic relief, he’s just a washout drunkard who wants to literally abandon the pirate’s life. Maybe he’s not really acting…
Since they had Keith Richards cameo the last two films, for a lark, they have a Paul McCartney cameo! The rest of the cast is also not something to be scoffed at: David “Van Helsing/300” Wenham and Bruce “Mad Max 2”. Chigurn himself talking Spanish from Spain (isn’t he married to Penelope Cruz? Keep it in the family, I guess). Plus the legacy cameos too, Keira Knightly is a literal cameo without lines, she filmed it in a couple minutes and finished paying her mortgage.
Since this is about FAMILY, like any Fast and Furious film, every single main character is related, of course. Barbossa crossed so many times from bad to good, but here he sacrifices himself to save his long lost and never mentioned daughter, the main character.
Apparently this was one of the most expensive movies ever, and that means one thing: reshoots and studio bullshit. There’s two credited directors, two of each bigshot crew, what a complete disaster. Hopefully this puts the kibosh on the series.
This is my place for ramblings about sequences of images that exploit the human visual limitation know as persistence of vision.