Archive for July 2024
19 posts from 03 to 24 July 2024.
-
First world problems elevated to life-threatening conditions, as any teenager believes.
-
This story doesn’t need to be directly interpreted as the last stand of Europe against the Asiatic hordes, since Attila and Genghis Khan are well into the future. It can be bloody Asterix, some monarchist anarchists fight an invasion by an evil empire.
-
Mary Mother of (twin) Christs. It’s an “adaptation” of the escape from Egypt, where Mary is played by Michelle Yeoh and Joseph by Vin Diesel. But Baby Jesus is actually Mary, it’s confusing.
-
Eli Roth mixes the worse parts of random high school slashers and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It’s very mainstream, not hideous like Hostel.
-
Borderline experimental action film. A bunch of vignettes on teenage radical stuff, very juvenile, 90’s nu-metal, very fast cameras with fisheye lenses.
-
Just another Stranger Things ripoff: kids in violent situations (including swearing), nostalgia for the 70’s, there’s no third element. Ethan Hawke might have lost a bet with Jason Blum and was forced into this.
-
Tim Burton’s Back to the Future version, with his trademark horror themes. A solid children’s film, where the hero hooks up with his own grandfather’s ex.
-
Sexually frustrated Sydney Sweeney stars in horny Rear Window, with two twists in the last minutes.
-
Well, an actual Ron Howard film that is not utter crap? Imagine that. Wiped clean of deviant sexuality and dick jokes, just Apollo 13 in the Pacific Ocean.
-
Good grief, the Michael Lewis rot was there from the start. This was even co-written by Aaron Sorkin, for the radical centrist bingo. It was just hidden under the mass of talented actors squeezing blood from a stone.
-
Planet of the Apes meets After Earth. This follows all modern trends to a T, but it works. The kid is actually great, and Adam Driver is a good at being befuddled the whole film.
-
James Bond meets Starship Troopers. It’s a more political Austin Powers, ultra-reactionary.
-
What a great gem. Thematically extreme, but touches so many facets of human nature, it’s almost blissful. He who fights monsters…
-
What a bizarre horror film. It has elements of zombie films but so much is left unsaid, feel like a truncated release. The main plot is an hardcore family psychodrama, which gets abandoned half way on account of the freaking birds. And that ending, what the fuck was that?
-
A mediocre remake of a mediocre remake of Seven Samurai. With such a large budget and a good cast, not a great film comes out of it. Nothing magnificent about this.
-
What a rollercoaster ride of emotions. It starts of a bit too on the nose, and goes completely farcical on the Captain’s Dinner, but the island section is great. The ending freaking sucks, they can shove those damned open ended finales. High-Rise is better at this.
-
An opera in two acts, ain’t nobody got time for more, what are we, 18th century aristocrats? Pure Kubrickian technical flex, a visual marvel, but the plot itself is pretty alien for modern audiences: not only the Irish are not reviled as philandering devils, pretty much all situations are preposterous by modern standards.
-
Gone in 60 Seconds (the old one, the stunt showreel) meets self-insert fic about some Bulgarian billionaire. It’s the only way to explain this.
-
With all due respect, what the fuck? What the fuck is this? What the fuuuck… I know who you are, fucker. Fucking lunatics. Fucking morons.