Archive for July 2017

18 posts from 08 to 27 July 2017.

  • Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

    This is a worthy spiritual sequel to The Fifth Element.

  • Minority Report

    It seems ironic that Spielberg adapts sci-fi stories, when he flatly doesn’t care about the story. Feels like a bet he won, making a blockbuster about something he couldn’t give a shit about.

  • Mimic

    Yet another horror film about man-sized bugs with humanoid faces eating people.

  • Lake Placid

    Ensemble cast trade snarky remarks amongst themselves, and there’s a giant crocodile in the lake somewhere.

  • War for the Planet of the Apes

    State of the art visual effects. Testicle-shrivelling details.

  • Jerry Maguire

    Just another romcom about a jerk discovering he has emotions.

  • I, Frankenstein

    This is a nominal sequel to Frankenstein, the book. Except there are daemons and gargoyles too.

  • Battlefield Earth

    This is completely laughable film. Ridiculous from start to the end. Written by Hubbard pre-Dianetics, this is free from the pernicious influence of that mind killer.

  • Starsky & Hutch

    Aren’t the 70’s whacky?

  • 127 Hours

    Tragedy strikes a perpetual optimist, then unsurprisingly he comes out on top.

  • Edge of Tomorrow

    This is the weirdest thing. A big budget Hollywood flick that adapted an obscure Japanese novel featuring mecha and thinly-veiled metaphors for WW2? How this that happen?

  • Species

    Fucking Predator, literally.

  • The Golden Compass

    This is an interesting high fantasy story, completely butchered by the studio.

  • Cellular

    The one where the woman jury rigs a rotary phone and calls random numbers.

  • Fantastic Four

    Complete and utter dross, unworthy of this very review. I want to sue Marvel for my time.

  • Footloose

    For a musical about organising a dance off, there’s less dancing than you would expect. It’s more ugly brawls, sermons and grieving over dead loved ones.

  • Hercules

    A Trojan horse. A tragedy. They lost their marbles. All-the-gory caved in. The best part: none. Ironically, one of the worst classics.

  • Princess Mononoke

    A gripping tale of a feral ecoterrorist raised by wolves that discover what you hu-mans call “emotions”.