Archive for Release Year: 2016

28 posts from 21 June 2022 to 28 December 2017.

  • Gods of Egypt

    Gods of Egypt is stunning. Visually, it’s pretty much flawless.

  • Deadpool

    Can’t hold a candle to R.I.P.D., that’s my verdict. If that’s not a black mark, I don’t know what is.

  • Operation Chromite

    Melodramatic and over the top. Even being a war film, it has more in common with John Woo heroic bloodshed.

  • Animal Político

    Dadaist CGI cow roams an urban setting, like the subway, restaurants, offices. Cow-a-bunda!

  • Suicide Squad

    Yet another childish comic book adaptation. This one suffers from a lack of plot and too much Will Smith.

  • Zoolander 2

    Completely crazy catwalk of cognate cameos. Creates a cognitive confusion concerning celebrities communications containing cant ciphers, commonly called slang. Neil deGrasse Tyson in da house, bitches!

  • Money Monster

    Not a bad directorial stint for Jodie Foster. The ending is strong on this one…

  • Always Shine

    Just another Mulholland Drive with extra twists and less budget. Mackenzie Davis can’t make omelettes without eggs.

  • Daughter of God

    Stars off as a simple “Ana de Armas in many costumes” drama, but starts progressively weirder until it clicks, and from there you can see the ending, which is fucked up.

  • Jackie

    A slow motion descent into a personal hell, courtesy of Jacqueline Kennedy. This is painful to watch, the slow pacing helps to imagine how terrible those first hours post JFK assassination must have been.

  • Snowden

    A pointless film since Citizenfour exists. Boils down to a study on Snowden’s sex life.

  • Hail, Caesar!


  • The Legend of Tarzan

    Lawrence of Congo, but with animals! And America as the anti-colonial force, oh the irony.

  • Paterson

    Über-hipster slice of life
    of a bus driver who is nice,
    writes poems about his wife
    and their bulldog has no lice.

  • The Neon Demon

    Refn does Mullholland Drive, replacing the noir references by body horror, and with a discernible plot. Random cameos by Keanu Reeves too, for some reason. Special thanks to Alejandro Jodorowski…

  • Refrigerantes e Canções de Amor

    Meh, overplays its hand for such formulaic script.

  • Denial

    I will deny in a court of law this timid and formulaic BBC biopic is a masterpiece. I’m not libelling Rachel Weisz plus supporting characters for this easy paycheck.

  • Jason Bourne

    A high budget remix of all other Bourne films, for the money. It gets better on the second viewing. A great cast, not so silly plot (with parental bullcrap, but eh) and high octane action sequences.

  • The Shallows

    127 Hours of Jaws.

  • Arrival

    Confucian aliens arrive to koan us into nirvana. Timeless Knowledge is Bliss.

  • Ben-Hur

    Sometimes you do a film for the greatest hits, with a central conflict of pride, competition, and revenge. Then you nail in Rodrigo Santoro with a message of peace, forgiveness, and selflessness.

  • The 5th Wave

    Twilight of the Hillbillies. Goddamn preppers with their Gun worship and Government mistrust, and then the main theme is love. And out freaking nowhere, comes a Edward Cullen to tempt the protagonist and spread the seed into possible sequels that never materialise.

  • Dog Eat Dog

    The classic tale of moronic criminal pals going down on account of their lack of smarts. Pure 100% dumb American fuckers.

  • Manhattan Nocturne

    Rorschach’s Journal: I’m a depressed and paranoid voiceover, giving up the correct film noir vibes, and setting up the transitions between scenes, while the main character taxies around. Maybe I should not blame the plot for such an escalation in cruelty that numbs me, but it’s stronger than me.

  • The Brothers Grimsby

    Starts silly, crosses the line into absolute bonkers, crosses the line twice into batshit insane. Better the The Dictator, but still not that good.

  • Warcraft

    Misunderstandings the lead to Total War: The Film. Surprisingly nice Tolkienesque prequel to World of Warcraft.

  • Moonlight

    This is really a retread of older films, adapted to differing realities. Sadly this is something so taboo, most American actors ran away from this like the plague, it seems.

  • Mechanic: Ressurrection

    Yet another PG-13 assassin murdering people, while boobs remain firmly in bras. It’s sort like Hitman (the game), making it look like an accident. Came for Michelle Yeoh, but it’s a cameo, no martial arts involving her. Jessica Alba is the love interest that does nothing but getting captured.