Archive for 2025
51 posts from 01 January to 31 March 2025.
-
Captain Planet in the Aquaman suit. Amber Heard being sidelined. Even more Tolkienesque plot.
-
Well, this is the opposite from Tim Burton’s film, where Wonka is not the villain, and it’s about mommy issues instead. Lovely, but safe and not iconoclast.
-
Is this the Christian critique to the manosphere cult? With a Jewish main character? There’s so much religious imagery (and songs), it can’t be a coincidence.
-
LA Heat. It’s not LA Vice, it’s all about the relationship between two guys, the amoral nihilist and the meek pushover.
-
Mr. & Mrs. Smith meets Ocean’s Eleven. The music and overall direction is straight out of Vegas, bit the visuals are quite weird. It’s better to no think too much of the plot either, the heroes are non-ideological Cambridge Five, but for Putin instead of the Soviet Union.
-
So this is where Anna “I would rather eat my own shit” Chlumsky came from? No wonder she works on the Veep’s office in the future.
-
A writer goes to a resort for inspiration, and gets a forced bout of self-discovery. An extremely forceful discovery of who he really his. Not even his girlfriend can keep him grounded in noblesse oblige.
-
The title is a reference to Hercules’ twelve labours, but this is just Die Hard with a Vengeance without Zeus. John Cena cannot carry a movie all by himself, and there’s nobody else. Even the villain is weaksauce.
-
Whaddaya mean, The Rock is an old Jewish guy from Brooklyn? Ya know, he’s on the ‘burbs!
-
This is way too meta to be taken “seriously”. Some extreme howlers, like multiple “fascist!” accusations, the president of Barbieland saying “motherfucker” with Mattel’s logo in her mouth, and so many Kens wanting to beat each other off. Better than Oppenheimer.
-
This is a low brow action flick that includes a couple of high brow scenes, so they can cut two trailers, I guess. Sicario with Marky Mark cannot be taken seriously, he’s like Arnie, the film warps to his personality, not the other way around.
-
This is a more classic arthouse film, a bona-fide bingo of neorealism. Just because Walter Salles is a billionaire doesn’t mean he can’t be a class traitor.
-
Such a nice Starship Troopers spiritual remake. It’s all there, but trades some satirical punches for a more uplifting message. Would you like to know more?
-
I AM THE LAAAAAAAW! Jon fought the law, and the law lost. I would believe if Diane Lane was pranked into thinking this would be a serious film. One of the weirdest source materials to adapt into a children’s film.
-
A good old sex thriller, this is a dying genre. Not a problem, when you got Arnon Milchan bankrolling and Adrian Lyne directing, he did so much of those before.
-
John Milius adapts a Tom Clancy novel. His influence cannot be so big, if the coast guard captain is a woman in the opening credits. No one drinks deer blood either.
-
Yet another victim of current events, this plot is absolutely mad. It was bad enough after the first Trump presidency, but after the second one, is just crazy. Why do even serious action films have to ape Marvel with shared universes, and post-credits scenes? Just do regular sequels, no need to tease so much!
-
Just a bog standard Blob propaganda piece, but very much focused on Jack Ryan himself, not much political stuff surrounding it. He’s a family man now, apparently.
-
This just IP, it has barely anything to do with Jumanji. It’s a souped up The Breakfast Club instead, with 30 year olds playing teenagers. In the Jumanji game universe, it’s a non-parody Land of the Lost.
-
Number 6, brought to you by Chinese money, sponsored by BMW. The James Bond ripoff levels are off the charts, Rebecca Ferguson is Vesper now.
-
What. What? What! What‽ what, what. WHAT¡ WhAaaaaaT¿ Whattttttt⸮ Who? How? Why?
-
That’s a brutal runtime, but fitting for an epic story. Ironic how a film about brutalism is so stylish. Kinda tone deaf to make a big deal of making aliyah in this conjecture, they should have used AI to change that instead.
-
They pull a Terminator 2 and the bad guy is a good guy now. But it’s really about a little kid’s FAMILY, the biological murderous deadbeats, and the kind killer that raised the kid. After some twists and turns towards the end, she goes self-made orphan and chooses the old SEAL Team 6.
-
It’s a John Woo film, everything is extremely intense. Intense emotional scenes, intense training montages, then an intense John Wick ripoff. How the mighty have fallen.
-
The visual style is extremely well-troden, it has been seen over and over and over again, and they even quote tastefully from the masters. But a story based on brotherly love, two children raised together bonding for life? That’s basically unheard of, it’s fresh just for that fact.
-
This is the quintessential romcom, written by Nora Ephron even. Harry is such a jerk for so long, I don’t see what Sally sees in him. That’s the hardest thing to suspend disbelief over.
-
It’s not THAT funny, but what can you expect from a goofy Disney cash in on those comedian people they have in storage, with every single bit of edge sanded down to nubbins.
-
This is too straightforward for Soderbergh, there’s no twist, no nothing. Feels just like The Whale, particularly the ending. His least good film since Haywire…
-
A Senate-based Three Days of the Condor released post-Snowden, in the Trump years. Delusional insanity, trust the process? The slimeballs hint at but never fucking say the name Gina Haspel!
-
The Cruiser does some shitty James Bond ripoff, with bad copies of other action films: The Matrix Reloaded freeway chase, The Bourne Legacy motorcycle chase, and The Man Who Knew Too Much opera assassination. Then they have the pointless legacy cameo: “should you choose to accept it”, “this message will self destruct in X seconds”.
-
Vigilantism comes to the streets of LA. This is much less downright fascist, it’s less ideological, most plot decisions are done for Doylist reasons.
-
This is very beautifully shot and acted, but there’s an overall weirdness, it’s extremely thematic, not a straightforward story. Some enormous amounts of themes stuck in there.
-
This is much lower budget and esoteric than I remembered. Some of the images are simply timeless, like trashed and empty London, the zombie on a leash, or the Christmas lights on the apartment.
-
Oof, this is filled with twists, but it’s actually very conventional. It has themes, but they do not really gel with the movie itself until the last 30 minutes or so.
-
Now this is even more silly, if that could be possible. Less politically charged, absolutely ridiculous with a sci-fi vibe this time. Lady Gaga kills it as the Mission: Impossible assassin with perfect latex masks.
-
That intro is straight out of Hot Shots, and so is the first plane ride. Played completely straight, this is absolutely ridiculous, it’s basically a remake.
-
I mean, it’s no Marighella (not even Central do Brasil). It’s a tragedy, but they live in Leblon, just across the street from the beach. It’s completely focused on the wife. How did “the help” survive so long without wages? Where did she went afterwards? A lot of glossed over things.
-
They go full circle, there’s a blatant Cutthroat Island meets Fast Five ripoff in the bank heist. The cold open includes two openings in fact, the new lore and the nostalgia factor. For fuck’s sake, there’s also some deepfake Johnny Depp as teenager.
-
Mermaids, Blackbeard, and shit, but also some historical empires struggling for conquering an exotic landmark. The new couple falling in love is Morrigan from the bad King Arthur, and some priest of unknown denomination.
-
The NeverEnding Story, oh oh ohhh, never ending story. They have the guts of ending the third one with yet another adventure in the making.
-
It’s Davy Jones locker for the lot of ye!
-
What the fuck is this, I can’t understand all this acting talent doing jackshit. Some British director bring a fuckton of English people to Canada, teams up with a lot of local talent, to write a crappier Nordic thriller. A much shittier version of Wind River.
-
Here we go, this is gonna be a rambling stream-of-conscience review.
-
This is a squeaky fucking clean Hollywood film, about as left wing as morally possible in America: the f-word (fascism) is dropped only once in the final monologue.
-
One of those Saturday afternoon BBC period pieces, exquisite production values, with a lot of old school accented swearing. Better that Queen Victoria shoving a spiky flower up her twat, that’s for sure.
-
This is just a pitiful version of Network, from the audience perspective, there’s no satire here. Up there with Bringing Out the Dead.
-
Damn, this thriller has so many twists and turns, it alternates many times between “this sucks” and “this is awesome”. A very fine film for such limited budget and cast.
-
That trademark Eggers purple prose and visual portent, with a nearly monochromatic colour scheme. Not as foul and vile in its wickedness as The Lighthouse, but a well rounded effort, even with seemingly the guild forcing some performers that fail to meet the high bar required for this.
-
Aardman still got it, incredible. This is more grandiose (maybe with a smidgen of CGI, but probably not), and apes silly old James Bond films and Mission: Impossible, instead of The Great Escape.
-
A typical Hollywood people biopic. Glosses over any professional drama, it’s purely about the personal relationships. As a melodrama, it lacks some grandiose and bombastic scenes, unlike the music, ironically.
-
The first half of Full Metal Jacket without the critical second bit, where we learned it was all for nought. No one is really cancelled, like Tár.