Archive for Release Year: 2013
54 posts from 10 September 2024 to 08 December 2016.
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This is a disposable popcorn flick, but having Jeff Bridges playing a parody of Rooster Cogburn from True Grit is pretty cool.
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Came for the lesbian sex, stayed for the Bildungsroman.
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Ravenous consumers of human flesh are people too. At least when they literally turn to people.
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Goddamn clusterfuck of pieces of plot strewn together randomly. They credited an editor, but it’s just a pseudonym for BlendTec.
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Go Go, Jägar Rangers.
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More a series of sketches than an unified plot. Still very much worth watching, if nothing else for the massive amount of talent on screen.
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Ultra British thriller.
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There’s no The Prestige into taking Mementos from other films. Pure Larceny.
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Every horror film rolled into one.
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The one with Luke Evans as the villain. 20 min to stupid car chase.
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Completely pathetic. Antitrust wears Prada.
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The new one. Chloë Moretz is not as pitiful as Sissy Spacek, but she is a better actress, so it evens out in the end. The bullies are even more massacred here.
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Another competent musical from the Disney assembly line. Professionally Formulaic.
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2001, a Blair Witch in Space.
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Twilight of the Body Snatchers. The Stephanie Meyer connection was only brought up later.
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An alternate future where the “AI” response to “Siri, cure my loneliness” is not “Searching for porn/one-night-stands”, but phone sex with a machine.
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Starts of as a Cellular retread, complete with LAPD copaganda, and slowly inches toward Hostel, thankfully stopping well before that.
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The Japanese music is damn eerie. It falls straight in the middle of the uncanny valley, it’s both familiar and a little strange. Works very well to make whole environment more contradictory.
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Middle class black family man is living his life, when the father is lured into lucrative work and gets kidnapped and sold into slavery for 12 years. Even though it’s based on a 200 years old book, it’s still as powerful as ever.
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Just like The Dark Tower, this seems like a peek into an entire universe, ending on a cliffhanger. It seems the epic sci-fi standalone story is a thing of the past now, it’s all vignettes now.
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The Passion of Christ: American Edition. JFK’s death is treated with more reverence than any other event human in history. This is a liturgical film, much more religious than everything Mel Gibson has directed, except the religion is American Exceptionalism.
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LotR with dwarves! The climax, where the party reaches their goal, awakens the dragon, and resolves are tested again.
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Random guy tries to take justice into his own hands, fails spectacularly. Buying shit off Alex Jones is no substitute for community.
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Can’t believe it is not a BBC production. A straightforward historical background cum classic romance story, featuring upper class people in fancy dresses.
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Jeunet does a lightweight book adaptation, and it’s still as fabulous and magical as his other films. Zut alors!
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A bird’s eye view on the beginning of Wikileaks, told from the anti-Assange point of view. The best part about the whole thing is re-viewing the “Collateral Murder” video, still as strong as ever.
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An actual and metaphorical journey come together. Simple, but effective.
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Shamamalama directed this? A hamfisted metaphor for Jaden Smith himself, leading him to scream at his father for being absent and treating him like shit. Will Smith himself played the ultra stoic warrior, so he wears a single constipated facial expression. I’d hate to be at those Christmas parties…
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An “improved” Independence Day, with more “political” content as a plot clothesline. A two hours long diatribe against the military-industrial complex, brought to you by the DoD, Raytheon, and Boeing.
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Red Dawn meets White House Down, except before, and by Antoine Fuqua. What the hell is this?
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Rutger Hauer’s Paid Getaway. Ruins, Porking, Gloating. Standing for “Real Playing Game” is a sick joke.
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More Refn weirdness, dedicated to Alejandro Jodorowski. Bangkok Dangerous-ly dark.
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A surprisingly deep medieval Bildungsroman, comprising a lot of gruesome deaths but also mental thrashings: disappointment, grief, betrayal. Moving from defeat to defeat, until the final “victory”.
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The indie equivalent to the superhero film: trite and treading well worn paths. Usually when filming on a backwater (from Hollywood’s POV), at least one of the lead is local so that colonialism parallels are less apparent. Even that is ignored here, accents are tactically deployed to hide this!
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I’m Jack’s complete lack of pacing. It’s as if someone saw The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies and though: we should have more battle scenes.
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The rabble demands panem et circes. They can eat brioche, but plenty of circes to go around. The emperor tries to kill two mockingjays with one arrow by having the old tributes fight to the death, again. Our heroes falls from a cliffhanger unto another.
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An above average cop thriller, slightly dinged by too much activism in several fronts. On one hand they follow the “show, don’t tell” maxim, but then try to cram two separate scourges of society in a single plot.
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After being politically pressured into deviating the focus of his radio station from sensitive subjects to light and positive themes, the programming head sends a team to Portugal during April 1974, to report on the great Swiss cooperation. Little do they know there will be a coup d’etat followed by a revolution.
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Life and love of white trash in Sunny Florida. Love doesn’t prevail, crippling healthcare-related debt conspires against that. Fuck that shit.
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What the fuck is this? Why does all young adult fiction must be post-apocalyptic? A crazy setting for such anodyne film. This is similar to The 5th Wave, but the core of the film is sexy people sexying it up, and not the end of the world as we know it. No gun worship either.
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Oh my. The pretend edgy stuff. The pseudo-Robin Hood shtick. The cars wrecking cardboard boxes. The fade to black, oh god, so many fades to black.
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Still Bourne. Ripoff in the worst possible way from specific Bourne films. The climatic music is a naked ripoff from 28 Weeks Later. Not even worth to waste time on the credits.
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The Thing, but on Mars was already done by Carpenter himself as Ghosts of Mars, but this adds 28 Days Later zombies too. Worthy for having Olivia Williams bossing everyone around like a queen.
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Eli Roth pseudo-remakes Cannibal Holocaust, without dead animals, including a virgin final girl. The tone flip-flops between abject horror, and “fun” body horror. Why, just why?
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Bit of a nun-binge, after Benedetta. This is the absolute opposite.
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An happy ending pulled out of their asses ruins an already bland family drama.
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A story about Lady Di and the forgotten post-Charles pre-Dodi Diana fuckbuddy.
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Oddly weird mix of banter, pious bullshit, and superhero origin story. Doesn’t work too well, it feels unfinished. I had to see it to believe it.
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Neurotic Park Avenue socialite meets the real world, tragedy ensues.
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The Futurological Congress is very small book, so for this book adaptation they added 1 hour of meta-commentary on showbusiness and some kind of tugging at heartstrings, in case a bleak dystopia where the masses take soma to escape their crapsack worlds was not depressing enough.
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Scumbag dude cheats on his wife while she is six months pregnant, that’s vilest than most Trump moves. But is she pregnant, or just a giant spider? Why does it start with a sub-rosa strip club where topless woman torture themselves with spiders?
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An even bigger Harry Potter ripoff, but the plot is The Prodigal Son, ironic considering the Olympian setting.
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Gone in 60 Seconds (the old one, the stunt showreel) meets self-insert fic about some Bulgarian billionaire. It’s the only way to explain this.
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This is so bad. They basically remake the first film until middle of the runtime, then run out of plot, and have to make up something to reach the bare minimum 90 minute mark. So the final girl teams up with Leatherface, because FAMILY.