Archive for 2017
122 posts from 20 January to 28 December 2017.
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Gods of Egypt is stunning. Visually, it’s pretty much flawless.
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The film where the least ridiculous scene is when a Mustang flips a bus.
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The one with the Will Smith hip-hop song over the credits.
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The anime with an unpronounceable name in most Romance languages. That joke is inherited from Gulliver’s Travels.
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The one about the cardinal sins. Throw in a science strawman to be torn apart.
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Still four kids, but with extra large scale battles with hundreds of dead.
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Four kids, for kids, forked ids.
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PTSD-ridden ex-soldier goes insane after a partner kills himself.
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Yet another SNL reject who guns for Holywood and fails miserably.
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More than just gay cowboys.
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Engaging for a very long time. War never changes.
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Third time I see it, still don’t know WTF was that about. Still cool though.
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Insultingly terrible “comedy” staring Nia Vardalos.
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Barbarella filmed with the grandiosity of Star Wars.
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Fancy-pants light Holmes that makes a competent film out of a great plot.
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A road movie set in the Age of Discoveries. The main character travels through Asia in search of wealth and prestige and ends up shunned by the royalty.
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Painfully unfunny. Yes, this is the middle of the series, but that doesn’t matter, there’s no canon anyway.
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Made for TV simplistic take on the colonial war.
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Alternates between horror and comedy. Should have made up their mind and cut in the horror bits.
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That’s Pinocchio, all right.
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Steampunk Wizard of Oz, set during the Great War.
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Go Go, Jägar Rangers.
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The more things change, the more they stay the same.
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◯. Ya’ know, fo’ kids!
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I have seen this several times now over the years, and it never fails to impress, even when you know the twists. Bourne with much less action and more evilness.
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Westward the bad cinema.
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Even more Brownian Saturday afternoon action-adventure. Alternate title: The Bourne Discovery.
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Run of the Stuart Mill Brownian action flick. Franklin, I liked it.
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Bonnie and Clyde meets Logan’s Run channelling Fight Club. It’s as derivative as this sentence implies.
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Painfully unfunny.
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Not so special K. A worthwhile sequel to a classic.
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Took them 5 films to cosmetically change the formula.
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Aronofsky does Rosemary’s Baby. Requiem for a Dream of pregnancy.
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A companion piece to The Matrix, but with a noir aesthetic. Sleeep!
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Goddamn clusterfuck of pieces of plot strewn together randomly. They credited an editor, but it’s just a pseudonym for BlendTec.
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One of the representatives of golden age of Portuguese cinema, it’s still hilarious. There’s an overarching plot of silliness and hilarious smaller bits which betrays its origin as vaudeville-esque popular theatre (known as revista).
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I fell asleep thrice while watching this.
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Damn radical. Part of the holy trinity of classical anime: this, Ghost in the Shell and Cowboy Bebop.
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A supreme being. Perfect.
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Hungrier Potter: Revolutions.
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Yet another Airplane!.
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High concept horror film without a budget. Focuses on the dynamics between characters. Blows Saw off the water.
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Hunger Potter: A Twilight Fan Fiction.
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John Woo decides Face/Off was too sane.
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The Rules of Attraction as a reluctant thriller.
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Psycho thriller, Qu’est-ce que c’est? Na na na na na na na na not bad at all.
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Aren’t air traffic controllers wacky?
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This is a Bond film as directed by Tarantino, which leads to a black hole of bad taste. At least the villain is interessting.
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A thriller that cheats.
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This film has two sides clawing for attention. On one side you have the goofy, Get Smart-like spy parody, on the other the serious spy drama, with double and triple agents, deception and remote-controlled car bombs.
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Light drama meets tourism postcard with murders.
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Ravenous consumers of human flesh are people too. At least when they literally turn to people.
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Yet another formulaic sadistic gorefest. I almost sawed some logs while watching this.
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Hipster cheats his wife thrice, while ignoring her autistic kid, gets away with it with passionate kisses.
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The one where Mick Jagger is the good badguy with a silly helmet.
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Fucking Predator, literally, with even more fucking.
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More beefcakes, but softer and funnier. Strips the film down to the basics, namely dry-humping all sorts of women while wearing thongs.
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Another superhero film with a script that fits in a single page.
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A filmed Broadway play that makes for a good musical but a not-so-good film.
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Morons massacre minorities in Mississippi, Mulders mount manhunt, mortified locals maim more, motherfuckers must rot in jail.
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Regular Tarantino crap, even though he only directed a fourth of this. His lousiness infects other directors.
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Beefcakes are sensitive people too, beneath those massive layers of muscle.
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What can you say about a Charlie Kaufman script?
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Follows the stories of three salaryman, unsurprisingly.
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Yimou Zhang goes minimal and makes a film with only three characters, a nuclear family.
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A truly cinematic experience that eschews dialogue and characterisation for Stuka sirens and Hans Zimmer horns.
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This is a worthy spiritual sequel to The Fifth Element, just lacks a phenomenal main duo. These are merely good.
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It seems ironic that Spielberg adapts sci-fi stories, when he flatly doesn’t care about the story. Feels like a bet he won, making a blockbuster about something he couldn’t give a shit about.
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Yet another horror film about man-sized bugs with humanoid faces eating people.
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Ensemble cast trade snarky remarks amongst themselves, and there’s a giant crocodile in the lake somewhere.
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State of the art visual effects. Testicle-shrivelling details.
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Just another romcom about a jerk discovering he has emotions.
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This is a nominal sequel to Frankenstein, the book. Except there are daemons and gargoyles too.
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This is completely laughable film. Ridiculous from start to the end. Written by Hubbard pre-Dianetics, this is free from the pernicious influence of that mind killer.
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Aren’t the 70’s whacky?
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Tragedy strikes a perpetual optimist, then unsurprisingly he comes out on top.
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This is the weirdest thing. A big budget Hollywood flick that adapted an obscure Japanese novel featuring mecha and thinly-veiled metaphors for WW2? How this that happen?
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Fucking Predator, literally.
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This is an interesting high fantasy story, completely butchered by the studio.
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The one where the woman jury rigs a rotary phone and calls random numbers.
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Complete and utter dross, unworthy of this very review. I want to sue Marvel for my time.
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For a musical about organising a dance off, there’s less dancing than you would expect. It’s more ugly brawls, sermons and grieving over dead loved ones.
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A Trojan horse. A tragedy. They lost their marbles. All-the-gory caved in. The best part: none. Ironically, one of the worst classics.
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A gripping tale of a feral ecoterrorist raised by wolves that discover what you hu-mans call “emotions”.
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Came for the lesbian sex, stayed for the Bildungsroman.
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Whoring out is the only way to be someone in life
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Not-adaptation cash grab for 3D
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It was too hot to think today, so I watch these Avengers, and not the other, more interesting, film with Sean Connery in a Teddy Bear costume.
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I give it 7/used needles
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Even though the premise is interesting and features womanwolves, which I think it’s a first, not worth it to take everything around it. Even if the werewolf flips the bird at the protagonist.
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Braindead without the mommy issues.
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The best Rocky is the first one, but Rocky III (the one with Mr. T) was pretty crap already. This takes the cake, though.
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War. War never changes.
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Puts the ‘fun’ in ‘paedophilia’
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US frames innocent muslim for terrorist attack, is all for nought
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Neither a fluff piece nor a hatchet job
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The Thick of It meets Kevin Spacey headdesking repeatedly.
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Here’s a 40 years old script that feels ripped from the virtual headlines.
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Transformers with extra scantily-clad women.
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This might as well be the quintessential Young Adult novel turned prospective franchise.
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Aren’t those new evangelical churches wacky?
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Here’s an obscure film that shouldn’t embarrass whoever participated on it.
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Yet another feel-horrible tale of lucky people in a tragedy.
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Woody Allen is not perfect, and this is an example of it. Just like Scoop, this still has chucklegoofs, but the drudge you need to wade through before getting to the good jokes is too much.
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Ultra obscure baby’s first noir with a star-studded cast. The producers must be crazy to throw away this, it’s not so unworthy to deserve the Direct to Video mark of shame.
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This is a remake of Open Water 2: Adrift. It’s better than it sounds, but I haven’t seen the original.
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If Prometheus is like the The Phantom Menace, this is like Revenge of the Sith,
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This is a story about a group of fisherman from the outskirts of Lisbon that sink their boat in the mud in viewing distance from the shore, but since some are weak, old and/or injured, can’t get to safety before tragedy happens.
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Bog-standard comic book adaptation. Not even worth to hate.
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The director of The Last Seduction did not spring into existence with his magnum opus. First he did this low key, light noir, set on a small town, in which our lead drops into. And it’s not a remake of Yojimbo.
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90 minutes of runtime with a one-line script
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Peter Jackson does Life Is Strange
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I re-watched King Kong today and it’s still as impressive as the first time.
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Following all Disney properties, this is a completely safe film, all the rough edges sanded out, which turns a supposedly magical story into an anodyne cultural artefact. A mere husk, dead on the inside.
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I though this was supposed to be an adaptation. Turns out to be a bog standard modern sci-fi blockbuster.
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The first part of this made me think this featured a truly alien alien! I started thinking about Solyaris and everything.
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An highlight reel for the Twilight Zone spirit.
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This is a fantastic film, in all senses of the word. Scott Glenn is clearly making bank on his David Carradine impression.
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The grimdark realistic remake of Prince of Egypt that everyone was pinning for.
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Boxing is life, and so is debt collection.
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The gorefest the series is known about.
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Not the gorefest the series is known about.