Archive for 2018

176 posts from 01 January to 22 December 2018.

  • The Dead Zone

    Celibacy is not worth it, it leads to gruesome deaths.

  • The Dark Tower

    A small portal is open into an alternate universe, but we are only allowed to peek at it from afar. Not even worth for those who read the books, I would wager.

  • 12 Years a Slave

    Middle class black family man is living his life, when the father is lured into lucrative work and gets kidnapped and sold into slavery for 12 years. Even though it’s based on a 200 years old book, it’s still as powerful as ever.

  • The Resident

    Bog standard “creep invades home of middle class person” horror film. Very modern since the main character rents a bargain home for a “mere” $4k.

  • The Double

    The Japanese music is damn eerie. It falls straight in the middle of the uncanny valley, it’s both familiar and a little strange. Works very well to make whole environment more contradictory.

  • The NeverEnding Story

    Kids falling down: The Movie of the Book. Eat you heart out, Labyrinth and The Princess Bride.

  • Inside Man

    A oddly mainstream Spike Lee joint, but still seeped in his particular style. Gripping from start to finish.

  • Mortal Engines

    Snowpiercer for kids, as someone put it. I think it muddles its political points too much to warrant such comparisons, but it’s apt.

  • Antz

    Baby’s first Woody Allen film. A lite romp consisting of guessing the actor behind the voice. It’s quite easy.

  • The Call

    Starts of as a Cellular retread, complete with LAPD copaganda, and slowly inches toward Hostel, thankfully stopping well before that.

  • Raiva

    Cinema veritè, in 1930’s Alentejo. Structured like a revenge plot, mostly against metaphoric leeches represented by literal landowners.

  • Noah

    Good Old Testament scumbag God massacres His creation for the lulz. Humans must decide to stop being submissive or go mad from their actions.

  • Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)

    Not worth it to break my Iñarritu self-imposed ban(it’s not clear on the marketing he’s directing). Not even Naomi Watts can rescue this.

  • Some Like it Hot

    Jim Carrey is a Tony Curtis dead ringer. Incredible.

  • Sightseers

    The accidental Bonnie and Clyde, except complete cretins. Reaches Nathan Barley levels of idiocy.

  • Crash

    Contrived coincidences cannot create cockups. Consequences cleanly cutoff.

  • The Ninth Gate

    Polanski’s Eyes Wide Shut. Just an excuse to see his wife naked, yuck!

  • Django

    The men with a name that drags a coffin around.

  • Predestination

    A story that warps around itself so much, it exists on a vacuum. The best metaphor are those Teletubbies pink sludge bowls.

  • Sicario

    Simplicity is when you remove all unnecessary features, you get this. A film that’s all meat, no fat.

  • Murder on the Orient Express

    Stratospheric cast does an adaptation while Agatha Christie was still alive! Goddamn brilliant.

  • Suspiria

    Flash Gordon meets Braindead, but not as developed as any of those.

  • Suspiria

    Remake in name only. This has more in common with mother! and Black Swan.

  • The Grand Budapest Hotel

    This is what passes for a soft Wes Anderson film. Not something profoundly sad as The Royal Tenenbaums, a fun romp, visually and orally bliss.

  • The Deer Hunter

    Classic Russian Roulette sports film, with a backstory related to the effects of ‘Nam on a rust belt small town. Can be read as both “rah rah ‘murica, evil Vietcong” and “war is hell”.

  • Utøya 22. juli

    In this “fake” single-shot film, the fascist is never seen up close, only the victims matter. Fuck fascists, you will not replace us.

  • Hancock

    Analyse This retrograde script. Old and busted ideas dressed up in fine leather and CGI.

  • The Spy Who Loved Me

    Equal parts Benny Hill, eye watering melodrama and regular Bond villain megalomania.

  • The Man with the Golden Gun

    The one where Bond faces Scaramanga, the guy with three nipples and a dwarf servant.

  • Live and Let Die

    The very first Roger Moore-led Bond has magic people, voodoo people.

  • Rambo III

    The one where the US Army fawns over the Taliban Mujahideen. That did not age well…

  • Rambo: First Blood Part II

    Now this is more Rambo. Jingoistic, preposterous and ripe for parodies.

  • Glory

    Ferris Bueller’s Army Day. I understand he was playing a kid thrust into responsibility by war, but he’s still the nerd from WarGames.

  • Guardians of the Galaxy

    Childish BS, what a crock of shit.

  • Any Day

    This started as one of those Christian themed scripts, but someone took a hatchet to it and turned into an abomination of epic proportions. Sinful, without pleasure.

  • First Blood

    Rambo is a PTSD-laden ‘Nam veteran, drifting over flyover country and getting mistreated by everyone he finds.

  • WarGames

    The only winning move is logic-bombing on HAL. Finally the long awaited sequel of The Breakfast Club where the cool girl doesn’t end up depressed.

  • Her

    An alternate future where the “AI” response to “Siri, cure my loneliness” is not “Searching for porn/one-night-stands”, but phone sex with a machine.

  • Ghostbusters II

    More of the same shit, only more so.

  • BlacKkKlansman

    Powerful stuff, particularly the post-credit Charlottesville “Unite the Right” rally. 50 years go by in a flash.

  • The Host

    Twilight of the Body Snatchers. The Stephanie Meyer connection was only brought up later.

  • Ex Machina

    Another Garland high concept film. I really like the portrayal of the nutjob head of a tech giant, very Jobsian. Better than Antitrust.

  • Ghostbusters

    The 80’s equivalent to the Fleischer cartoons. A smörgåsbord of dated effects, product placement, smoking in inappropriate locations and sex jokes. You know … for kids!

  • Europa Report

    2001, a Blair Witch in Space.

  • A Fish called Wanda

    Jamie Lee Curtis honey traps 4 guys concurrently before their very eyes, and gets away with it! She falls for the one who finds her weak spot: sexual arousal when hearing spoken Russian.

  • Braveheart

    An Australian plays William Wallace, another Hollywood stunt casting choice. Robert Bruce is a minor character, but he was more important overall.

  • Jorge

    Standard “drugs are bad” flick. Despite being about heroin addiction, everybody is happy, and after a brief “Kum ba yah” all is good.

  • Videovigilância

    An ultra depressing film about lowlife Blockbuster Clerks / drug dealers that bite more than they can chew and get their lives kicked down a notch.

  • Malapata

    A demo reel for Hot Jesus. A box ticking enterprise. Not even worth it to finish the

  • Love & Other Drugs

    Boner pill commercials masquerading as the Boogie Nights of romantic comedies.

  • Without a Clue

    The Sherlock Holmes adaptation where Watson is the brains of the enterprise, Mrs Hudson is the heart and Holmes himself is an ignorant boob.

  • Money Monster

    Not a bad directorial stint for Jodie Foster. The ending is strong on this one…

  • Brick Mansions

    The American remake of Banlieue 13, with less parkour and more Paul Walker punching and shooting people.

  • Zoolander 2

    Completely crazy catwalk of cognate cameos. Creates a cognitive confusion concerning celebrities communications containing cant ciphers, commonly called slang. Neil deGrasse Tyson in da house, bitches!

  • Transporter 2

    Less transporting gets done since the last time.

  • The Transporter

    A very good action film with really inventive fight scenes. Has more in common with the old Jackie Chan films than the usual fight-scene driven drivel, but with a better script.

  • Deception

    A bog standard thriller with the requisite twist and counter twist towards the end.

  • A Mulher que Acreditava ser Presidente dos Estados Unidos da América

    The superior crazy people film. All female cast in which some poor woman deals with mental illness by pretending her neighbourhood in Washington Street is 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

  • Seven Psychopaths

    Meta film in which Martin McDonaugh eviscerates himself, being impersonated by Colin Farrell.

  • A Knight's Tale

    A classic sports plot elevated into greatness by being set in medieval Europe. Probably the only mainstream film that starts with a secondary character violently voiding his own bowels ‘till death (offscreen, of course, this is still Hollywood).

  • Analyse That

    Undoing the character development in the last film for fun and profit.

  • Diamonds are Forever

    One of Bond’s many low points. This is just bad.

  • Analyse This

    Actually pretty funny. The basic plot is good enough, but the script is tight and very well acted. A joy to watch.

  • Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol

    Freaking ace! Brad Bird gets the helm of the Impossible Mission Franchise and proceeds to do a The Incredibles inspired romp that is a joy to watch.

  • Twelve Angry Men

    How come this is so well regarded? It’s nothing more than white dudes talking.

  • Need for Speed

    Laughable waste of resources. A very talented cast doing fuck all, a preposterous script that resembles Yu Gi-Oh and children’s card games, millions of dollars in cars getting wrecked.

  • Skyfall

    The Bond origin story that no one was pining for.

  • The Haunted Mansion

    Light horror for kids. At least that’s how this is sold, but the backstory includes people committing suicide, with on-screen hangings. Just like Pirates of the Caribbean, this was adapted from a Disneyworld ride, except this is dead, Jim.

  • Quantum of Solace

    Back to thin plots layered on copious amounts of action scenes.

  • Casino Royale

    The one where the franchise grows the beard. After dozens of formulaic carbon copies, they graduate to the big boys club.

  • Lo chiamavano Jeeg Robot

    The good remake of The Toxic Avenger, with added anime referenced for good measure.

  • Frozen

    Another competent musical from the Disney assembly line. Professionally Formulaic.

  • Annihilation

    Another Transcendence mindfuck. This one is a more blatant Tarkovsky ripoff, mostly Solaris and Stalker.

  • Linhas de Sangue

    Ensemble parody of action films in general. Low budget doesn’t mean low quality, but in this case that is not completely off the mark.

  • Autómata

    RealDolls are people too (Incredibly NSFW, you have been warned!).

  • Deconstructing Harry

    Fucking hell, what a fucker the main character is. Fucks around so much he is dumped by all woman he dates and/or marries. The dipshit will bed everything that moves.

  • Balada da Praia dos Cães

    Simple investigation into a murder that might have political connotations. Turns out it was a crime of passion and the political police are clutching at straws trying to extract meaning where it doesn’t exist.

  • First Reformed

    Taxi Driver meets Silence. The light political stuff is mild, but you can see the Paul Schrader speak through it. Travis Bickle’s youthful rage has turned into elderly depression and sadness for the heirs of his generation.

  • Incredibles 2

    More of the same with loads of callbacks and references. Doesn’t reach the level of the first one, it’s an action packed scene with an ironic plot.

  • Leviano

    Hipster bullcrap. A low rent Spring Breakers.

  • Paprika

    Even man-child Fritz Haber deserves love.

  • Secret Window

    A Stephen King adaptation about a mentally unstable writer, what a surprise. This is the one where he is stalked by a southern guy played with gusto by [Jesus Quintana](/2020/11/11/the-big-lebowski.html{:.inner-link}.

  • Chronicle

    Teens find a hole with a superpowers-granting machine and have to deal with the fallout of being too immature for the power they wield. Pretty interesting take on the superhero genre.

  • She's Out of My League

    Bog standard, formulaic rom com with swear words. Poor Jay Baruchel. This is so predictable you can almost use it a clock.

  • The Color of Money

    Pool Newman.

  • Spring Breakers

    The missing Saints Row 3 adaptation, with some introspection casually thrown into the mix.

  • Die Another Day

    The one with Halle Berry, Rosamund Pike and Maddona.

  • Tomorrow Never Dies

    The one with Michelle Yeoh. Vincent Price is Rupert Murdoch on steroids. Hired Ricky Jay to hack “SSL2 with 128 bits” links or something.

  • The World Is Not Enough

    Surprisingly introspective plot about oil pipelines in Asia Minor countries.

  • GoldenEye

    Modern (about my age) Bond doesn’t really deviate from the formula. An above average action film.

  • On Her Majesty's Secret Service

    The one filmed in Portugal posing for Sicily, with George Lazenby.

  • You Only Live Twice

    Now this is just preposterous. SPECTRE is doing false flag rocket launches from their hollowed out volcano lairs with monorails!

  • Kick-Ass

    Ludonarrative Dissonance: The Film. Yet another childish comic book adaptation that pretends to be edgy by using cuss words.

  • Thunderball

    The one that starts the silliness. This starts with a funeral for a “JB”, Bond sucker-punches the widow (which turns out to be the dead man) and eventually ends with Bond escaping on a jetpack.

  • Goldfinger

    The one with Pussy Galore, Oddjob and the titular Goldfinger attempting to blow a nuke on Fort Knox to irradiate the gold and make all other gold more valuable.

  • From Russia with Love

    The quintessential James Bond. The one with all the recognisable elements:

  • Dr. No

    A badly paced risqué version of North by Northwest. Kinda underwhelming.

  • Carrie

    The new one. Chloë Moretz is not as pitiful as Sissy Spacek, but she is a better actress, so it evens out in the end. The bullies are even more massacred here.

  • The Messengers

    Lousy cheating horror. I honestly saw this just for Kristen, but it’s from her teen phase, it should be ignored.

  • House at the End of the Street

    Just another crap horror film. It would have directly to the bargain bin, but Jennifer Lawrence became a bankable star right at the same time.

  • Son of the Pink Panther

    A very silly comedy. It might be a series of disjointed set pieces, but those set pieces are very good.

  • Bringing Out the Dead

    Probably Scorsese’s finest.

  • The Wicker Man

    The other Bee Movie, equally as hilarious. A classic Nic Cage romp.

  • Violet & Daisy

    Weaker gender swapped version of The Brothers Bloom.

  • The Meaning of Life

    A 90 minutes long Flying Circus episode, minus people with military uniforms saying all that was silly. Even though it is.

  • The Dark Knight Rises

    FFS, one of the worst endings I have ever seen. Batman is prepared for everything, but truly everything? All the fuss about making sacrifices for the people to nought, since the Bats wins everything in the end.

  • Hunger

    Similar to Bronson, but focused on IRA prisoners.

  • The Perfect Score

    Ocean’s Breakfast Club. At least that what the script was gunning for.

  • Snow White: Fairest of them All

    The incestuous love child of Labyrinth and Terry Gilliam.

  • Philadelphia

    A classic. Worth it for the Callas aria scene alone.

  • Hardcore Henry

    90 min long Biting Elbows video clip.

  • Red Dawn

    North Korea invades California. Using HMMWV. What?

  • Swing Time

    Basic plot wrapping some fantastic dancing numbers.

  • Paranoia

    Completely pathetic. Antitrust wears Prada.

  • Argo

    Plain old CIA propaganda, with a touch of Hollywood trademark self-deprecation. Feels like U-571. Like everything CIA pumps out, it includes prominently that wall with a star for each KIA agent.

  • The Arrival

    Invasion of the Body Snatchers with Charlie Sheen in “tiger blood” mode.

  • V for Vendetta

    I love the credit to Anarchos Productions Inc.

  • The Death of Stalin

    The Thick of It transplanted to Soviet nomenklatura. Funny and horrifying.

  • L.A. Confidential

    Old school film noir about corrupt cops in Los Angeles (as the name implies). A bit too clean for my taste. Nearly as good as Chinatown.

  • Fast & Furious 6

    The one with Luke Evans as the villain. 20 min to stupid car chase.

  • Suicide Squad

    Yet another childish comic book adaptation. This one suffers from a lack of plot and too much Will Smith.

  • Transcendence

    Neo-Luddites vs Singularity-level AI. Who will win?

  • Stay

    Stylish take on the insanity POV genre. This film is a visual masterpiece. The range of camera trickery and editing skill is staggering.

  • El cadáver de Anna Fritz

    Some films show all their ideas on the title. This one does it on the synopsis.

  • The Number 23

    Joel Schumacher does a thriller that promises but fails to raise above mediocrity.

  • Jagten

    A great film for our times. Paranoia leads to witch hunts which lead to wrecked communities. A great companion piece to Doubt.

  • Paycheck

    Standard John Woo film. Shit blows up while stuntpeople do increasingly crazy stuff.

  • Jurassic World

    Someone watched the previous films and said “What if this was much more violent but still sold for kids?”. Doesn’t hold a candle to Jurassic Park 3.

  • Alice in Wonderland

    If being befuddled and lost while pretty colours parade around my eyes and Alice gets PG-naked several times was the point, this has achieved its purpose.

  • Pacific Rim: Uprising

    Lots of exposition to make sure you remember the last one. No major retcons that I noticed.

  • Cowboys & Aliens

    What the hell was this about? Did they get the cast together and then came up with a script on the spot? What’s the point of having a testicle-shivering amount of talent without a plot?

  • City of Ember

    Goddamn fantastic cast doing jack shit to elevate this to beyond young adult fantasy for kids. Teens saving their world, that turns out to be a Fallout Vault with more incompetent people. Martin Landau and Bill Murray have a lot of fun chewing the scenery.

  • Ready Player One

    Spielberg trolls a generation. With Cline on board, they turn the book into Wreck It Ralph for older manchildren. Feels like The Matrix from the POV of Agent Smith. Should have guessed from the book’s ending.

  • Animal Político

    Dadaist CGI cow roams an urban setting, like the subway, restaurants, offices. Cow-a-bunda!

  • Tomb Raider

    Generic action film that happens to take some cues from the game, ignoring the Angelina Jolie continuity. No The Descent references, for shame.

  • Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

    From the director of In Bruges comes some fucking film about all the shit going down in America. A bunch of dipshits talking crap and fucking themselves up mutually.

  • 28 Weeks Later

    Zombies, with human emotions. The opening scene stays with me forever.

  • 300: Rise of an Empire

    300 ways of dying in the cradle of western civilisation in which more than 300 ships stop(?) an empire from raising. So it’s all lies just in the title.

  • Clouds of Sils Maria

    Meta film about a play that was to be adapted into film. Juliette Binoche plays almost herself, being tormented by her lack of youth, personified by Kristen Stewart and Chloë Grace Moretz.

  • Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

    Yo ho, a pirate’s life for me. Nothing says “Freedom!” like a PG-13 Disney movie based on ripping off old Treasure Island and Cutthroat Island.

  • Mad Max: Fury Road

    • “Witness me! I am awaited in Valhalla!”
    • “MEDIOCRE!!!”
    • Faceless Immortan Joe is nasty!
    • Furiosa is pretty calm, considering her name. Mad Max is also sane.
  • The Conjuring

    Every horror film rolled into one.

  • Retreat

    28 Straw Dogs. It even has Cillian Murphy.

  • Winter's Bone

    White trash struggles to live, while the universe conspires against them.

  • Gothika

    Ghost Whisperer on Rohypnol.

  • Now You See Me

    There’s no The Prestige into taking Mementos from other films. Pure Larceny.

  • Chicken Run

    Clucking great children’s film.

  • Girl Next Door

    From the ads, it seemed like another American Pie, but this is something else.

  • District 9

    Wikus is the real everyman. A dumb bureaucrat who keeps fucking up.

  • Escape from L.A.

    The anarchist’s cookfilm.

  • Mirror Mirror

    Another [Snow White](Snow White: Fairest of them All){:.inner-link} adaptation, but fun and colourful.

  • Bullets over Broadway

    Hilarious take on the backstage of a Broadway play.

  • Closed Circuit

    Ultra British thriller.

  • Jupiter Ascending

    Variation on the same themes as The Matrix, with great window dressing. Mila Kunis was not the ideal actress for the lead, but it’s watchable.

  • A Gaiola Dourada

    More a series of sketches than an unified plot. Still very much worth watching, if nothing else for the massive amount of talent on screen.

  • In Good Company

    Good grief, what a milquetoast affair. Directed by the American Pie creator, here comes corporatist propaganda faux-raging against the system.

  • Cloud Atlas

    Another “unfilmable” story turned into a great film. That moniker looks like a dare.

  • The Strangers

    Unspeakable horror. Almost literally, the 3 bad guys have less than 3 lines in total.

  • Diabolique

    The one with the following quote:

    20 bucks they killed him. Dykes.

  • Operation Chromite

    Melodramatic and over the top. Even being a war film, it has more in common with John Woo heroic bloodshed.

  • Living in Oblivion

    A Catherine Keener meta film. She proves anyone can be typecast as anything.

  • Hide and Seek

    Jennifer Tilly is a half retarded maniac wannabe mother. Daryl Hannah is the forced surrogate mother. Together, they are at each other’s throats.

  • The Brothers Grimm

    Mainstream Gilliam is a mishmash of watchable-by-muggles and just too damn weird.

  • Shoot 'em Up

    Paul Giamatti violently chewing the scenery while Clive Owen chews on carrots. The dark and gritty adaptation that Bugs Bunny needed, not one he wanted.

  • Sister Act

    Hallelujah! Another cool musical. I was nun the wiser they existed.

  • In the Realm of the Senses

    Porn without plot. Completely worthless.

  • Síndrome de Estocolmo

    A scathing satire of Portuguese society. The script writer was a classy troll, and the fact that this was greenlit by the biggest broadcast network only makes it even funnier.

  • Night Will Fall

    A documentary about a documentary about the Nazi concentration camps buried by the British after the war.

  • Skammen

    The first Bergman I ever watched is a feeble anti war film.

  • Se7en

    What’s in the box (office)? The perfect Halloween film, if you like your candy laced with rusty razorblades, for your mind.

  • The Royal Tenenbaums

    Not sure if I should laugh, even though its funny.
    Not sure if I should cry, even though is sad.
    A Wes Anderson film.

  • The Pink Panther

    Cyclists falling over: The Movie.

  • The Pink Panther 2

    Should be named “The Pink Panther: You Too?”

  • The Intern

    Not so much about start-ups, just another film to add to the long list of Nancy Meyers works.

  • Pompeii

    Not as disastrous as it seems.

  • Deadpool

    Can’t hold a candle to R.I.P.D., that’s my verdict. If that’s not a black mark, I don’t know what is.